We saw Prometheus last night. The only way to it. Pitch black. Middle of night. Drunk and scared that we might pee our pants.
Really we decided the movie name should be…
Aliens: Secret of the black ooze

Let us begin:
We are lead to believe that the first scene was the engineer on Earth seeding the planet with “himself” to populate it. Ok, I’ll bite. There’s some symbolic shit in there with death to create life, my blood is your blood my body is your body and so on,..from ashes to ashes, get the point. BUT WHY THE BLACK OOZE?! What is that? Why does he need that? what kind of catalyst is that?! Where did that come from? why why why?
So thats that, alien creates humanity and it’s done right? Nope. because they’ve been coming back for thousands of years. Remember those cave paintings discovered at different parts of the world THOUSANDS of years apart? Ok, so now we know they’ve been coming to Earth back and forth a couple of times. Why? Why not bring some of us back? Why the “map” so that we can go find them? Ok, I’ll bite again, maybe they’re helping us develop, guiding us and so on,…but WHY?!? More on that later.
OK, we’re in the alien ship. We see holograms of big aliens running from something. One gets his head decapitated by the door etc… WHAT ARE THEY RUNNING FROM? We never see THEIR threat. How many aliens are there exactly? It never touches on what the big threat is? when the two guys are by themselves they see the pile of bodies and one guy says it looks like they were busted out from the inside! Holy shit! Why? what busted out? The alien we know and love? Where is that? All I keep seeing is the big human aliens and the BLACK OOZE and the snake face-raper.

Lets tally the aliens: 1) Big Proto-Humans 2) BLACK OOZE 3) Snake Face-raper

Do you think the snake face-raper came from the BLACK OOZE? cause it was dripping down those containers onto the floor,..did it grow alien fast? or was it in the pods?
Ok, Character flaws: So David the android takes the black stuff and spikes the dudes drink,..the same dude who says he will do ANYTHING for science. I can see the androids point. he wants to see what the BLACK OOZE does, it good or bad? prolly neither, just like an android. I see what they are doing there. So the dude starts mutating,..he SHOULD be thinking this is the greatest thing ever!,..he should be like, wait guys, you’re right, I don’t need to board the prometheus. I’m gonna go chill in the alien spaceship with the oxygen and see where this alien transformation takes me,..FOR SCIENCE! But no, he freaks out and goes and kills himself. Ok, whatever.
Biologist guy messing around with the face-raper. I’m pretty sure that’s how the first encounter went with whomever discovered the rattlesnake. Jackass. touching shit. But wait!? It’s full of acid!! So is our proto-alien! But why is the BLACK OOZE suddenly acid too?! Cause the tattoo neck guy fell into it and got acid on the face,..but then later mutated,..WHA-HUH? And shouldn’t Biologist guy who just got FACE-RAPED have a chest burster now?! Where is that?!
OK, Big Proto-Aliens are bad guys?!? He wakes up and lays the smack down! WHY?!? Why the fuck would he do that?!? The Android is TALKING to him! What did he say?! Why didn’t he tell us? WHY does he hate us? WHY do they want to go to Earth with the BLACK OOZE? To kill us all?! Why? What did we do? THEY supposedly made us!? THEY’VE BEEN THERE BEFORE! Why didn’t they do it then? Why are they going to do it with the BLACK OOZE?! WHY does the BLACK OOZE make us bad mutated monsters?!? What do the Big Proto-Aliens get out of this? Why are they stuck on the planet?! The planet is NOT LV-426 which is what was in Alien(s) Why are all the ships stuck on that planet and WHAT THE FUCK KILLED ALL THOSE OTHER BIG ALIENS but left the couple guys alone in stasis?
Lastly. Dude bangs chick is infected. Chick gets BLACK OOZE through 3rd party. so it’s not 100% pure BLACK OOZE alien. Instead it is a FUCKING SQUID MONSTER for some reason?!? Okay, with it,…I’ll bite again. MORE bad guy proto-alien, but now gets infected with SQUID MONSTER and ta-daaaaa! We get a BLACK alien with human teeth but with long head and no eyes?!? WHAT. THE. FUCK. What kinda genetic recipe is this fucking thing?!?


THAT is what the movie should be about. That is what the next prequel to this movie should be about.

Writer: The Todd